By edward st. joseph
By edward st. joseph
by edward st. joseph
During the 90’s I spent a lot of time chasing women, chasing good-times, chasing time itself, and getting educated on life in my own way. Each song marks a memorable memoir for me at that time. As Prince would say “I was dreaming when I wrote this…so forgive me if it goes astray”
• Vogue – Madonna
• Cradle of Love – Billy Idol
• One – U2
• Around the Way Girl – LLCoolJ
• Damn I wish I was your lover – Sophie Hawkins
• Jump Around – House of Pain
• Two Princes – Spin Doctors
• Pets – Porno for Pyros
• Closer – Nine Inch Nails
• The more you ignore me – Morrissey satellitedishcanada.com
• Between Planets – The Jesus and Mary Chain
• You Oughtta Know – Alanis Morsette
1. “Vogue” – Madonna (1990) OMG. So I was out of the 8th grade and heading into this thing called “High School.” FINALLY, a place where it's ok to look at girl’s boobs, that's correct, BOOBS. I was no longer subject to the risks associated with being caught by my parents with a playboy centerfold fold-out; high school now offered a place where raging hormones were sanctioned. I was a late bloomer in high school; it seemed like everyone was getting laid except for me, and this level of frustration was reaching a boiling point that could not be measured by any means. Naturally, I was like WTF on the inside, but on the outside I was like “Yeah, I've done it before” and then there was the reply “Oh yeah, so what did it feel like?” Before I can mumble out some white lie, the school bell rings, class dismissed. OK OK….point being, I was young and horny, and Madonna wore a see-thru outfit in this video. SIGH…being young how do I miss you.
2. “Cradle of Love” – Billy Idol (1990) Ahhh what memories – it was a sunny day in Austin, TX and I'm doing my regular 5 hour shift as a carry out at HEB. High school freshman year ended and I had 90 days of “whatever the fuck I wanted to do.” While I was soaking up the sensation of becoming a sophomore, little did I know, I was being watched by a girl; Tanya Griffin – This girl came into HEB every day and purchased various unnecessary items, such as gum, soda, and even stamps, just to get a look at me (Now these are her words not mine) One day we finally made eye contact, I asked for number, and so on. To sweeten the deal further, SHE WAS A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE. I felt like Dustin Hoffman in the film “The Graduate”. One day, she called me at work, and said “Hey can you take a break?” Naturally I said yes, walked outside, my jaw dropped when she pulled up in her red Miata convertible. Looking Amazing-sexxi she said “Let’s go for a spin.” You can see where I'm going with this.
3. “One” – U2 (1991) – During the transition of freshman into sophomore, without failure, you will always hear the “I liked you in 9th grade but I didn’t think you liked me”, but not me not this time, I got lucky. I met Anna Valentine; my first girlfriend. She was different, mature and her beauty was natural, not superficial as many of the girls I was going for at the time. Also, she was my first kiss. I think this was the first and last time the word LOVE had any real feeling to it. I fell for her hard and she fell out fast. Till this day I don’t know why, maybe because she was a freshman in college, maybe we were on different planets, or maybe she knew she was going to hurt me. Either way, I still think about her till this day. What’s really sad about it all was that I wanted so bad for it to never end, or for me to never forget. I mean, I thought this was the One, then again everybody thinks that way in high school ….but the more I held on to her, the further she got away. Eventually, with time, I forgot about her, until right now. Even though I remember I don’t remember.
4. “Around the way girl” – LLcoolJ (1991) – Rap/Hip-Hop was emerging with great strength in the early 90's and I was slowly getting turned on to it myself. I noticed when I would go out on a date with a girl, she didn’t always wanna hear some “HARD JAMS” so Rap/Hip-Hop artists such as LL Cool J, Hi-C, and Slick Rick made rap music appealing to both men and women. I remember driving and passenger side was the most beautiful girl, at the time to me, in the world. She sure was an “Around the Way Girl.” Her name was Shelly. We would take late night drives with the windows down, holding hands, listening to our favorite tunes till about 4am. And if I was lucky, at the end of the night I would get a kiss; Days and Nights with Shelly made for some of the best memories.
5. “Damn I wish I was your lover”- Sophie B. Hawkins (1992) You know what I love about having a crush on someone? The way it crashes. Besides that, I always thought she said “I'd F***K ya till the daylite comes.” Oh Sophie and your crafty use of duplicity in your songs. This song takes me back to a time in my life when I was living with two women (both sisters) and I was dating one of them, and wanting the other. SIGH Love triangles not good…WAIT! I think I can interject a song into this “Bizarre Love Triangle” by New Order. Nice…a Hidden Track in my writing. Ok Ok so it’s technically not a “Hidden Track” like some artists record in their albums. Sometimes I wonder were my 90’s riddled with horniness and being SUPER HIGH on blow or popping a BIG X-tabs??!?!? Well, I can answer that like the “Tootsie Roll Commercial from the 80’s”….The World May never know.
6. “Jump” - House of Pain (1992) – LOL this song reminds of a buddy I use to know in high school, for the sake of saving him the embarrassment of what I’m about to say, I will call him Scott. He would play this song over and over again, while we would go in search for a party that would always end as soon as we arrived. I learned three things from this song: 1. Do not go to a party with Scott. 2. The 90’s sparked songs, from Anglo Artists with “One cuss word” in them. For example: this song itself, then there is “Jeremy” by pearl jam, Pink “Let’s get the party started” and so on. Was this the beginning of Rap/hip-hop/Hardcore metal influence and the crossover to fuse Rap Rock or Rap Core? Either way, I eventually partied while this song was on….and YES we all jumped around – Whata ya expect? We were loaded.
7. “Two Princes” – Spin Doctors – (1993) You know, I'm not much a fan of this song. As a matter of fact, I remember watching this video on MTV and feeling indifferent about it. I mean, it didn’t suck and it wasn't good. The song is Sorta like cream of corn “Yeah you can put it on my plate, but I might not eat it.” It was just tolerable enough to listen to, so I could eventually hit the number one video on MTV's top twenty or move on to MTV2 and watch some SONIC Youth. And as I listen to this song again, I'm feeling blah…maybe it's the lead singer who apprarently enjoys dressing like some Sherpa from a Tibetan mountain top. Thanks SPIN DOCTORS for teaching me tolerance.
8. Porno for Pyros “Pets” (1993)
“Pets” inflamed a temperament in me that I didn’t know existed. This song marked a rebellious transition in my life. With each passing year of high school, I slowly began to discover that all we are, were, and will be are pets to a culture whose society is built on the bones of a dying world. A culture whose society are slaves to the conventional “Check-out aisle Tabloid Malarkey.” Then I wondered was it the hint of Jane’s Addiction in this Song that produced such a raw emotion in me? Or was it the idea of realizing too late that I was a pet myself, and that self-actualization is a result of a true awareness? Even when one thinks, he or she, is aware of awareness how can they be sure? SIGH…the rebellious years of growing up finding yourself. Good Times.
9. “Closer” – NIN (1994) – And now back to my days as a carry-out at H.E.B. It was summertime, the month of June to be exact. Each summer, boys and girls would flock to their nearest grocery store, music shop, and or ice-cream parlor in hopes for employment. This meant, for those of us already employed, fresh meat. For me that meant Traci. I remember walking into H.E.B and right before I clocked in, our eyes locked. As the J. Geils Band said “My Blood Runs Cold” my memory was definitely sold. We did double takes as we parted to different ends of the store. My birthday was coming up at the end of June and I wanted to ask her out. So I did, and so we had a date the night before my birthday which was incredible. On the date she asked me what I wanted for my bday. I said “I know this is crazy, but I always wanted to eat a McDonalds BIG MAC while getting a strip-tease show/lap dance.” She said “You’re in luck… (A lump formed in my throat) I strip at Sugar’s Cabaret as my night job.” The next day, I drove to her apt, picked up a value meal (ate the fries first) and walked into her place. “Closer” was queued and ready for the show. Ahh…the memories XOXOX for you Traci.
10. “The more you ignore me, the closer I get” – Morrissey – (1994)
After high school graduation, thanks to the help of Jacob Juarez, I landed a job selling home audio at Sears Roebuck. It was there where I met Monica Naples, who just moved to Austin, TX. Monica and I already had something in common right off the bat; she needed a roommate and I wanted to move out of my folk’s home. Sounds like a perfect scenario right? Well, we move in together and eventually started dating. One day, Monica informs me that her sister Rachel is moving to Austin, TX and is looking for a place to stay. We agreed to let her move in since we had an extra bedroom and splitting the rent would be beneficial to everyone. The day Rachel moved in, was like a slow-motion cliché shot of the “HOT CHICK” in a movie while “The more you ignore me, the closer I get” played in the background. Needless to say, this entire situation became very interesting.
11. “Between Planets” – The Jesus and Mary Chain – 1995 (Release of song 1989) I know this song was not released in 1995, but this is the year I discovered The Jesus and Mary Chain. I owe this discovery to two wonderfully-amazing friends; their names are Sean Mossman and Jacob Juarez. It was the summer of 95 and Marci Beck dumped me after high school graduation for a college guy. Naturally, I was down in the dumps, and cried a river to my buds. A few days later, I get a page on my beeper (Yes, that’s correct PAGE ON THE BEEPER) it was Sean. So I call him back and here is what he had to say in his “John Shaft” voice, and I quote “Eddie…don’t let know Ho get you down.” INSERT Smile on my end, as he continues “Jacob and I are taking you out man, meet us at my house.” I go over; Sean and Jacob are sitting in Sean’s Maxima poised and ready, looking like The Beasties Boys in the video “Sabotage.” I get in the backseat; Jacob looks turns and says, in his Michael Madsen voice, “Love Stinks.” Sean’s Maxima speeds off “Between Planets” by The Jesus and Mary Chain blares on his CD player as the first beer bottle catapults out the car’s moon roof with many more to come.
12. “You oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995) During the middle of the decade known as the 90’s, women were reclaiming their voice in music with artists like Alanis, Tracy Chapman, Natalie Merchant, Liz Phair and so on. When this CD came out, I remember tons of my friends saying “Did you hear what she said in the song?!?!?” and did you hear the other part “Going down in a theater!!!?!!?!?” Simultaneously, I was also going through a “Reclaiming” moment myself. What was I to do now after the summer of Senior Year?!? I needed to find my voice, find out what I wanted to do with myself in this thing we call life. I needed to speak my mind like these ladies were doing in their music. I needed to get my point across. Eventually I did, but I guess I will save that for another “Soundtrack of my Life.”
p>I spent some time in Guatemala in search of the Ayahuasca plant. I was told with this plant a “ Muddled-Tea” is made that opens the senses, releasing influence allowing an understanding to come in. After eight months in Guatemala, I was still in search of the “Master Motive” the “Sense of Self-Actualization.” One night under the influence of this plant I begin to write the following, free of prejudice and judgment, just word flow. I apologize if poor grammar is exhibited – but I wanted to provide the RAW DATA of experience
by edward st. joseph
In these long exhausted efforts, I have developed some rather unappealing opinions of my self and that of people. First off, I will attack my weak sense of self-actualization. As a child I never understood the meaning of happiness. While viewing other people walk around all day with smiles on their faces, living with a false sense of knowing themselves, I began to realize that being impulsive and restless is how they truly are: impulsive and restless, like hungry-primal animals grown agitated and upset from the heat that surrounds them.
For if these people were truly happy would they not, regret the years gone by, live in the past, wonder what if, or would they simply just focus themselves on the problem instead of the people in the problem. For instance, take viewing yourself through someone else, he or she can easily pick out what you are feeling, needing, wanting and the changes that may have occurred in your life. Although, these observations are based solely on the opinion of others, however, these opinions are a truthful reflection of your personal conduct, mirrored by the people that you are and that who you are viewing. Accepting these opinions and working to change, could truly answer ourselves in the middle of uncertainty. Live like animals that have grown accustomed to their environment, have learned the ways, and finally accept the fact that life is impulsive, restless, and to act upon these sensations before they leave you like life leaving a dying man. For me, I tend to focus my energy on the problem than the people. It is crucial to understand that when you focus on the problem, it tends to bring about this negative energy, it also may bring out a side in you that would be better off left alone.
Focusing on the problem will cloud your judgment, disable your compromising abilities, render you helpless in a crowd of support, and finally tear apart the one thing that is of value, your soul.
You see the problem offers a more tangible form of melodramatic excitement, with out this tragedy how can we possibly have happiness, with out a problem in our life, we feel victim to not having a solution. A “feel good crutch”, a sadly supported superficial way of living in a stagnant life, while working hard to search for that tangible drama, only to be afforded a repeated cycle to which we say ” I am never going to do that again”
For example, the drug-addict, what does he have to offer? A reflection of what we would not want to be, or is the addict a reflection of what we really are; a society of self-serving, incongruous, dispensable human beings, because truthfully we view a person who has the qualities of a drug-addict as dispensable, incongruous, and most definitely self-serving. The main difference would be that the addict does what he or she wants, while the audience whishes to be that glorified figure, to be able to do what he or she wants with out prejudice.
It seems that the older that I get; the more and more people want to surround themselves with others, struggling to hold on to whatever remnants of the past exist in their future. But I cant say anything to them, since all I do is look at the smallest frame of the picture and never see it all, and seems that there is nothing that pleases me or if there is, I spend the majority of the day dwelling on the darkest corners of my mind; while through the mist of my eyes she lives, bringing in the light to my fortress embedded in the childhood of my mind. Once again the smallest part of the big picture, still lying to myself about it all.
The only thing that sometimes makes me feel good is the sensation that a joint generates, the feeling that I get when I get to act like someone else in front of a crowd, or what we would call happy hour, or any reason to get drunk. To be bring a group of people together and then practice self indulgent acts of “how was your week” or “So what did you guys do this weekend.” While all I do is nod and smile, react when to react, watch sudden jesters, comments, who has gone to the bathroom who hasn’t, create what if scenarios in my head, suggesting and assuming others personalities, and whether or not they or would I sleep with them. Then I stop in the middle of it all and think…am I crazy, possibly a rapist, murderer, or someone who has never learned or had love. I hold images of those I desire in my head as tangible memories ready for me to touch, smell and see as long as my eyes are closed. But soon as I open those eyes my harsh reality hits in, I am just like them, I am nothing more or special, just an over active imagination that pretends to be someone he is not, that is the way it has always been. Confusion, youth, stupidity, are no longer reasons.
So I wasn’t sure if I had come to terms with what I believed, or if I was content living such a dichotomy, of personalities. It must COME DOWN TO A BOTTOMLINE-NESS so I can come back from where I have gone.
By edward St. joseph
No matter if you call
No Matter If I cried
In walks in a Lie
Words meant to Say
Speaking without a word
Sounds We can't Convey
In Harmony without a Chord
Nothing Left In April, Nothing Left In May
Love that never saw
Still Nothing to See
In Love falling to fall
Something I Believe
We can’t explain
Fallen from the sky more info
I don’t forget her name
Cold in June, Colder in July
Conversations hour by hour
Holding on not letting go
Swinging hi Swinging lo
Promises made before
Confused and in Pain
Tears on the floor
Drown what we remember
Her Hand in August, Her Heart in September
Wildflowers turning sour
Left out in a field
Reaching the same end
Knock down and kneeled
Feelings of a friend
As she said friends forever
Love in October, Alone in November
written by edward st. joseph
This morning the skies were pink and bleu
The ocean shook, The earth moved
I lose my thoughts I lost my way
Screaming like a happy boy
Saying I’m in love with you.
Last nite stuck in a day dream
My mind couldn’t see, My eyez couldn’t believe
Nothing is the same nothing is for real
Lost in a movie scene
Wishing I’m in love with you
Everynite I hear you dream
Catching my breath, holding your heart
Believing all I feel is what you bring
Believing all I hear is what you sing
But this is no home
Today standing alone, crying in the rain
Tears so sincere no one’s to blame
Sitting side by side, Walls we couldn’t climb
Screaming like a baby boy
Missing all the signs
Tonite breaking apart, remembering you
Holding one more time for the last
Being next to you, Being next to me
Falling into love, Falling too Fast
Lost in your heart, Lost in you
Drowning the words with the wrong thing to say
So delicate the sound as the dream falls apart
Looking towards the sky, Running to you
We’re Fading to black, Fading into pink and bleu
Everynite I hear you dream
Waiting at your door, holding your key
Believing all I see is real
Believing all I touch I feel
But this is no home
No, this is no home
When I was a younger man, I spent some time searching for a connecting principle: something to keep the pages together, to keep making sense of this life day in and day out. What I found was: invisible, almost imperceptible, completely intangible, and yet when The Principle connects, it's only cause and effect – An Incessant Daydream of voices, people, events, all traveling through the dark dreary subways of our minds.
by edward st. joseph
Sleep was impossible last nite, or many of the past nites for that matter. At times I found myself looking around at my 4 walls that I've to come know as my home. As I look around, many of these ancient artifacts are completely unfamiliar to me. Unfamiliar, like a lover you haven't seen in awhile, who bumps into you in the middle of the nite while you’re dreaming wide awake; there's something there but in reality there is nothing there.
How could it be that these relics are supposed to remind me of a thing called childhood; that these trinkets of time are supposed to bring a KOOL AID SMILE TO my face. How is that I ask? Truth be told, I can only remember from age 10 till now. So maybe it doesn't matter, perhaps these vestiges lingering in my home are only forced superstitions of society solidified by the people we call: parents, friends, family, government, authority, all of it being symbols of both freedom and fear. And the time past is now only regurgitated false memories resting on an oar lost at sea, a part of a once prestigious battle ship, now only wreckage and debris scattered for many miles, leaving a forgotten message in a bottle drifting and eventually landing ashore.
I find this bottle and read what has come to pass and I begin to wonder. Wonder about what I am, or who I thought I was going to be, or be what I thought I am, or finally become who all of us are; an indirect representation of a fable unfolding, not morals or lessons, but a frequency that must be clear, and only then, can the beast be released and all we have come to know will be right before us. Even when presented with such a fantastical-illusion, I still come to one basic conclusion, that I'm still not sure who or what it is I am; until this suicide is pure, assumptions are made, we act as we see in order for us to know what we feel – El SPIRITUS SANCTI . Perchance that last hydroponic-mushroom-bologna sandwich pushed me overboard (Thinking about it) Nah.
I'm confident of one thing, however, that a Higher Being, an effigy created by many, is responsible for the reasons I breathe, love, hate, and live. As my self-descriptive dream once told me when I was awake “I'm a living organism, which many years of: drinking, drugs, self destruction, the occasional attempt at the taking over the world, and on Sundays helping a kitten from a tree, has made me who I am.” But I have a hard time distinguishing if the voices in my head are right, or if the voices that come out of my head thru my mouth are right, or if this message really has any meaning at all. One thing is clear, known, and factual. Life is a deeper darker order of things, a series of events, which are hidden below the surface and only rise to breathe the air of synchronous collisions allowing us to believe. So bring forth your commandments, bring forth your scripture, bring forth your gospel, bring forth your Pseudo-Sire of religious rhetoric and watch it dwindle away as you search blindly in a sea of fire for that oar holding your fractured-faith and broken-beliefs afloat; while you drown from the hypocrisy of who you are. (Maybe I should stop chewing on this cocaine leaf? Maybe that last white LINE was too much too fast?) Thinking about….nah
The second part of this message depicts a man walking onto the surface from the sea eventually ending up at a white door without a knob and a black key in his pocket. His thoughts drift in and out of reality, much like mine, his glibness- superficial charm is much like mine, and yet we are miles, if not years, if not universes away – VERITAS TENEBRAE. Each of us on opposite sides of the door, simultaneously we enter, and exit together but on separate parallels we call our world; I was gone and back again that same day. How we opened it, I don’t know, what was on either side, I can’t remember, but together we are separate and when we are separate we are one, much like a servant to a master, however, this time we serve a darker purpose. Silently, I now sit, in the back of your mind profiling you as my next victim. I’m standing in line with you, waiting for the next bank teller, or maybe lying next to you in bed looking you down and up; angrily killing you with my thoughts and desperately desiring to touch you with my hands. Gripping your throat seductively and sinisterly in my mind, suffocating you slowly, I mumble into your ears how the murder will take place. I control you now. You dance for me like marionette puppets on the foothills of insanity; while resting in my hands of fate. As I keep reading, the message continues to deliver; conversations held in the dark, close to home and close to heart. I am not the killer. However, I do believe that at times I'm being murdered over and over again, in a private night mare I share with all that dream each and every night; an unintended consequence suffered from walking through the white door.
The third and final part of this message, has taken me back to 1588 upon The Spanish Armada. I spent time on deck, observing thru the eyes of its red cell skeleton crew. I witnessed horrific carnage, mayhem, and chaos created by these ever-burning spirits who light up the sky with wind-talkers of their own, delivering their own doctrine of death, rowing and screaming madly through the waves of our mind. I spent time with its captain cutting throats on an endless spree, never knowing the consequence, can make things all that more exciting. At any rate, like many fantastically-phenomenal INTENSE DRUG ALTERED STATES (did you like all that in caps I do because I am TRIPPING hARD RiTe now) it has to come to an end. At bay my mind is held hostage: thoughts, words, desires, fears, and its overdressed government with outdated uniforms and opinions offering false hope to banishing barnacles called sailors, are all being held hostage by me. I no longer have a Ticket to MARs, my body is now tired and it now searches for rest…MY GOD MAN..SLEEP. Fortunately for everyone here, I have lost myself in an everlasting stream of unconsciousness, created without my knowledge, moving from the inside out, it meshes into one big persona, a persona that is larger than me, Something so LARGE that even its creator can no longer keep the beast contained, a hunger everlasting into the darkest corner of your fears: for an IDEA can never be killed; FOR I AM ROCK N ROLL HIGH ON COCAINE